I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize