People with herpes should wear stickers.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize