I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
love makes seman taste better
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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