Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
