i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
