I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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