Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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