I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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