I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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