He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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