well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
