My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
