i wish there were pregnant emoticons
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize