if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
