Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
