I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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