I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
