Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
