i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize