she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
