Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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