I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who died my cat blue again?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize