My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
