She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
