her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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