I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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