So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
