I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
