Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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