Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Acid is not a monday night drug
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
