you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
