That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
