I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
