I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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