i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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