Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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