I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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