We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
