I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
