I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
