If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In America we eat man semen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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