i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize