There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
