I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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