if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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