I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
