No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's shark week go big or go home
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
