I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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