You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
