I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
