fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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