So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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