i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
