so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
did i walk over a car last night?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
