I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
