Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
