I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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