Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
