If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
