Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize