everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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