My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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