make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
